This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I wish this was real life…
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Beauty and the Beast
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*