Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”