interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?