You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Just why bro?!
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.