In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
This is the best one I’ve seen
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.