[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You Might Also Like
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Why I divorced her.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.