Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
wait.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.