I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
When someone says you are so lazy
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.