Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Hamburger Hinderer.