Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?