When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?