when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Got him!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.