You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Good boy 😂😂
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
CRYING
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My wife has the worst taste in men.