If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
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Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My last name is Zilla.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
fixed it
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.