it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Name another movie that mislead you?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok