Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.