being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Respect
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules