The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying