He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*