Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then