“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
それは草
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her