The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
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RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Wake me when AI does housework
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt