[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Finally!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY