I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.