me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…