The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…