When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me too, bag. Me too….
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?