The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
You Might Also Like
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”