INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Aaaa…CHOO!
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.