*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
excuse me
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos