After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Sooo many times…..
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil