Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP