my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.