Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?