Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles