“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
How it started: How it’s going:
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again