Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Somebody’s lying.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.