[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…