Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.