[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Wednesday
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Tell me you get it…🤣
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.