Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
#inspiration #foodforthought
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*pokes sex life with a stick
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it