The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
You Might Also Like
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
welcome back
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday