These work great until they don’t.
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?