Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.