My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
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