Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
#TopTip