Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Liquor Store Parking
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious