At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.