13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.