Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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me: my friends:
Why do meteors always land in craters?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another